Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Time travel confirmed

Being a sci-fi fan I have always been interested in the concept of time-travel and the possibility of a rift in the space-time continuum.

But like ghosts, ESP and alien space ships crashing in New Mexico, I've never believed time-travel was possible.

Enter my mostly tech-challenged spouse.

Suddenly, time is nothing but a concept and "real time" no longer exists at our abode.

It all started with the DVR from Direct TV.

My lovely wife hates tech. Her smart phone sports all of about seven "apps". Ditto for her iPad.

Once she arrives home, she never turns on a real computer and she doesn't want to know how they work.

She cannot access Pandora, Netflix or anything called "streaming" on our home theater system.

HD, Dolby, Surround Sound..they aren't discernable to her optic or auditory nerves.

But the DVR she mastered in about 30 minutes.

When I come home at night and the TV is already on, I enter a nether world of time distortion.

It might be February, but all of a sudden a tropical storm warning crawls across the bottom of the screen or a teaser for the 11 o'clock news informs me that we can expect 80 degree weather tomorrow and Romney might have sewn up the GOP presidential nomination.

Startled, my wife then informs me we're watching an episode of CSI Miami/NY/Vegas or NCIS/NCIS-LA or Criminal Minds or The Mentalist from a time before the real estate market crashed because "I'm not sure we saw this episode."

I never know if its 2013 or 2009 when our TV is on.

Then came Candy Crush Saga.

In this game, you get a maximum of five lives for "free" and when you exhaust them, one has to wait two or three hours to get five more lives so one can advance to the next levels.

But my nominally tech-challenged spouse figured out that if one advances the date on one's iPad in the "Settings" area, real time disappears and future-time travel exists.

She has now borrowed so many future Candy Crush lives her iPad thinks it's 2090 and her CNN newsfeed is reporting something called "First Contact" by a race of aliens with pointy ears.

Any day now, when I arrive home, I expect to find a black hole or horizontal, lightning-type rift in the sky above our house.

Until then, if I miss a deadline or seem confused about the current state of affairs it's because I don't know if its 2009 (the DVR), 2013 (old-fashioned "live" television) or something with a Star Date (Candy Crush Time).

All I can tell you is that based on Candy Crush Time, the Chicago Cubs still haven't won a Word Series as of 2107 and The Simpson's have yet to be cancelled.

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