Most of you probably missed it unless you stayed up very late last night. During the Olympics waning hours, a public service announcement appeared on behalf of the Canadian government urging Americans to defect, or check to see if they are actually Canadian citizens. Apparently, they are unhappy with the home team performance at the quadrennial athletic event, whilst American's are sucking up medals like a Hoover gone crazy.
So I went to the Canadian official immigration and citizenship website. There is an online test you can take. Did you ever renounce your Canadian citizenship? No. Was your citizenship ever revoked for fraud? No. Were you ever granted Canadian citizenship and failed to finish the process? No. Were you born between January 1, 1947 and February 14, 1977. Yes. Were your born outside or inside of Canada? Outside. Was one of your biological parents a Canadian citizen at the time of your birth? Yes.
"Congratulations! You are most likely a Canadian citizen!" Instructions on how to complete the process were given.
And I am going to do it! (Take note sis, you too are a "dual" citizen, although your advanced age means you only made the cutoff by the absolute thinnest of margins).
Why would I do this? Let me count the ways:
- I can actually join a viable political party called "Conservative" instead of the vague American versions of "Republican" and "Libertarian".
- I can continue to oppose national health care in the U.S. while clandestinely slipping across the border to Canada and getting treated for free (providing I get on a waiting list two to three years in advance of my procedure).
- I can get really cheap drugs legally. (The medicinal kind).
- I will share citizenship with Neil Young, even though I hate him for writing "Southern Man" anachronistically a century too late.
- I can obtain a Canadian passport and vacation in Cuba legally. The advantage? Really cheap hotels; authentic Cuban cigars (versus the fakes they often pass off in Mexico as "Cuban". The downside? "I Love Lucy" reruns and fake Mexican cigars.
- I'll be a member of "The Commonwealth", meaning I can get really good advance tickets to all those important cricket tourneys.
- I can waive my Canadian passport in New Zealand bars and get the obnoxious, anti-American patrons to cease hissing at me.
- I can emigrate more easily to Australia.
- If I am ever thrown out of a county for good, I can surrender the Canadian passport, retain my U.S. passport, and return in defiance of the ban.
- French girls don't hate Canadians the same way they hate Americans.
- The Toronto Blue Jays need more fans.
I'll keep you posted on my progress.
I wonder if Canadians fight about beach nourishment?