Friday, September 18, 2009
New Food Lion Opens In Nags Head
Life in a small town can be, well, small. So it was no surprise when the occasion of opening Nags Head's (population: approximately 3200) second Food Lion brought out crowds, radio stations, and dignitaries for the Grand Opening
Our intrepid reporter interviewed the new manager, Lloyd Carbuncle, who advised our readers that the new store sold "meat, poultry, laundry supplies, beer, toilet paper and all kinds of other stuff including tapenade". Carbuncle admitted he had no idea what tapenade was, but noted it was "usually green and packaged in small jars.". Nags Head police were on hand to make sure no one entered or exited the premises with any plastic bags, which are illegal in that town.
According to Carbuncle, plastic bags were banned in Nags Head because sea turtles mistake them for jellyfish and upon ingestion, become hallucinogenic--thinking themselves sharks, whereupon they attack and devour tourists.