Female Colonist Claims:
"Men Asketh Not For Directions"
The diary, kept by colonist Rose Payne reveals not only the fate of the colony, but provides surprising insights into the life of the colony’s citizens. For example, why did the colonists leave Roanoke Island? The answer is revealed:
"The leader of the uncivilized, yet scantily clad and well-developed Savages asked us to move the colony. The tribe's Croatan Area Management Authority (CAMA) deemed our meager settlement too close to the point where the tide ebbs and flows twice in twenty-four hours, and we were thus in violation of their customs". (this, the fifteenth day of November, 1587 A.D.).
The next entry:
"The males are most stubborn and refuse to heed the Heathen, uncivilized, yet scantily clad and well-proportioned Savages. Their chief, whom I have named "He Who Endureth Far Longer Than My Ex-Husband", and has been named "Fabio" by that strumpet Eleanor Dare, suggested we move to the long, skinny island to the east. We cannot frame to pronounce the savage name for the island, which we simplify as OBX. (the twenty-first day of November, 1587).
Apparently, Miss Payne insisted to George Howe and Ananias Dare that the colony follow the advice of the “Heathen yet remarkably well-structured Savages with Endless Endurance and skin of Bronze” and perhaps move to the oceanfront, where they could construct an inn and tavern to serve Spanish and French raiders who frequented the coast. The men agreed and suggested they build the hotels directly on the beach for better visibility.
Additonal insight into the relations among the adult female colonists is revealed by this entry from Miss Payne on November 25, 1587:
“I felt it my Christian duty to inform Ananias Dare that he invoke the Dunking Maternal Application test (DMA) given that his wife, that strumpet Eleanor, was oft times in the company of men much filled with drink during the cross-ocean journey. I have my own doubts as to the paternity of newborn Virginia Dare.”
Much debate apparently ensued between the male and female colonists over the exact location of the “OBX” island and the best way to get there. At one point, the diary reveals Rose pleading with George Howe “You must go to the Hades-bound yet Adonis-like specimen of a male the Savages call the Chief and get proper directions to our new location”. Howe tells her he is not in need of directions, having spied the way upon their arrival.
When Rose Payne reminds Howe he was drunk the night of their arrival and in the company of “that strumpet, Eleanor Dare”, White rebukes her and ignores her pleadings. The next day, he gathers the colony into small boats and sets out for the coastal island.
The diary, which Bede ironically found in Plymouth while lost on a deer hunting excursion, indicates the colonists traveled west, rather than east. Many were consumed by alligators on their way to Columbia (where they loaded up at the local Savage trading post on alligator hot dogs upon reaching the other side of the river), and some were eaten by bears before they stumbled into Plymouth. The remaining colonists died after dining at a French outpost known as Bojangles' Cajun Quail, apparently from salmonella. The last entry in Miss Payne’s diary indicates she alone survived, converted to Heathenism, and took up with a Savage possessed of “long hair, beads of shell material, and thighs the size of small hillocks”
It appears at no time on their westward journey did the males "asketh for directions" and other journal entries indicate the men soon tired of frequent "chamber pot" breaks requested by the ladies, leading to further divisiveness and dissent.