Breaking News: All Married Male Elected Politicians Admit to Affairs

In a surprise announcement coming on the heels of revelations by John Edwards, David Patterson, John Ensign, Mark Sanford and numerous others, every married male currently serving as an elected official in the United States admitted to extra-marital affairs this afternoon.

The several thousand elected males made the joint announcement in Washington, DC. The bipartisan group apologized to their spouses, children, parents, constituencies, spiritual advisers, and reporters from The National Enquirer, many of whom will now be laid off due to the coming dearth of salacious and tawdry political news. While many Americans were not surprised at the announcement, friends and family of Joe Wilkins, Pennsylvania District 71 Soil & Septic Commissioner expressed shock and dismay.

The men hoped that by making the announcement, the news media would now move on to more pressing matters and focus their attention on the financial crisis, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the problem of plastic grocery bags on the Outer Banks.

When surveyed by Fox News, 64% of the elected officials admitted to a one-night stand, 35% to longer-term affairs, and 1%, including Sen. Byrd of W.Va. could not remember having an affair "but didn't want to be left out". All of them stated categorically that there was "no fooling around" during the time their spouses were suffering from Swine Flu, Flesh-Easting Bacteria, or age spots.

Also, the rationale for the affairs were sharply divided along party lines. Nearly all Democrats claimed their mistresses were "really hot" or "had back", while Republicans complained the women were "foul temptresses". Family value Republicans unanimously stated "the Devil made me do it" and sought refuge in local churches.

Elected female politicians responded angrily. Sen. Barbara Boxer stated "Once again we are witness to the gender bias prevalent in this country. While male politicians are bedding young women from Nevada to Argentina, there is no equivalent booty-call demand by young men for older elected females". President Obama promised to remedy the situation... eventually. In the interim, Obama suggested elected women use the Eloit Spitzer method of paying cash for their dalliances as a way to stimulate the economy.